Notes from the Top
BDSM Life Lessons

I got an email recently from someone who found me in Ask the Man Who Owns Him, asking about pain, piss, and more, seeking insight into himself and whatever his role is.  The answers to such questions are very complex, and will depend on just about everything.  My own experience will be different from anyone else’s, but I’ll take a stab at answering them anyway in this forum (with his permission).

While it’s true that the Top is not experiencing any kind of physical sensation like you are, he has two things going for him. You are reacting in some way to what he did to you: your breathing has changed, your body has tensed (or relaxed), your skin is stretched/compressed/marked/etc.  Hopefully, your response is one of pleasure, and different people will not only want different things, they’ll respond in different ways.  A good Top will be able to tell when he’s done something right, when he’s done something wrong, and when he’s done something exceptional.

It’s when he’s done something exceptional that the Top will get some kind of appreciation for a job well done — whether that’s a moan of pleasure, a sigh of relief, or a sizeable cumshot, it’s an emotional payoff.  Granted, the Top may also enjoy just the knowledge that you’re in pain, that you can’t move or defend yourself, that he’s in complete control.  The key to the scene is that you enjoy what he’s doing to you.  If you don’t, he’s only in the scene for himself, and that’s not a good place to be.

So what happened in that spanking scene, when you “lost all interest in sex or even him”?  That’s hard to say, but I’d wager it has something to do with the chemistry between you.  You may have sensed that he wasn’t interested in you — he was going through the motions without really connecting with you, so you didn’t connect back.  There’s nothing wrong with that — it just didn’t work out as well as you might have liked.  That happens all the time, and you aren’t necessarily going to know ahead of time that’s how it’s going to be.