Notes from the Top
BDSM Life Lessons

Nov
18

From the mailbag:

I’m writing tonight to see if you would be interested in leading me into an exploration of my sensitivity to being tickled. I am extremely ticklish, especially in the areas that should be more erotic (ie; my balls and nipples)- to the point that it has interfered with normal sex. I have a love/hate relationship with the sensation (actaully mostly FEAR!)but I find it is time to face it, and see how it is a part of me. It’s not your normal S&M scene, I know, but if this is the sort of bondage/sm scene you can work with, I’d love to meet with you.

That is outside my usual fare.  Whether I can work with it or not depends on a couple of things.  I usually prefer that my subjects enjoy what’s happening to them.  They express pleasure in a variety of ways — I just don’t like (but always respect) having done something inappropriate, and if I don’t like the response I get, I lose interest.

If you’re looking to have your sensitivity exploited/abused, that’s one thing.  If you’re hoping to become desensitized by inflicting pain, that’s something else.  The difference is subtle to me but important to you, and your reactions would determine my approach.

It’s not too surprising that I didn’t get a further response, but I’m okay with that.  It’s not the first time someone approached me with a tickling proposal but I have yet to actually do this kind of scene.  It would be fairly easy for me to set one up, but I’d rather not set myself up for a scene that I won’t enjoy (and by extension, neither will he).  It’s about quality, not quantity.

Nov
11

One of the advantages of escorting as a hobby (besides the fact that my day job pays the bills and provides other necessary benefits) is that I can be selective about who my clients are.  I won’t take a call from just anyone who contacts me — if I’m going to allow you to come to my space, I have to make sure that you’re serious, you’re sane, and that I’m likely to enjoy the experience as much as you are.

It’s amazing some of the calls I get that just aren’t going to work out.  Some examples:

  • “I’ve got my arm up my buddy’s ass, and I’m looking for a leg.”
  • “We’re looking for a dancer…” [girls giggling in the background]
  • “Hey, yeah, this is [Bobby], yeah, I’d sure like to spend some time with your hairy ass this Wednesday night, yeah, all hot and sweaty, uh huh, it’d be great, yeah…”

On the phone, I typically get a lot of questions that don’t lead to anything — guys (and sometimes girls) are shopping through the ads in the paper, not bothering to go to my website with the details they’re after (rates, availability, etc.).  Often, the “rate” question will turn them off immediately, and that’s fine.  If they ask more than just a couple of questions or are particularly detailed, they’re more likely just jacking off at the idea of meeting me and wasting my time.  Occasionally, they’ll ask for advice on a particular scene, and while I’m happy to share information, it’s also not worth my while.

On particular call comes to mind, asking detailed questions, with some noise in the background.  It intrigued me enough that I continued the conversation.  At first, I thought someone was doing a research paper, but I might have been screened by certain authorities to make sure I wasn’t a public threat: questions like “Do you perform oral sex?” rather than “Would you suck my dick?” are clinical without being sexual — not the sort of thing a potential client is likely to ask, at least, not like that.  I ended the call by booking a session for the next day and asking for a confirmation call which, naturally, didn’t come.

Most of my preliminary communication is done by email these days — it gives clients a better chance to express themselves more clearly, it gives some assurance that they’ve read (and digested) my ad, and since I require at least next-day notice for first-timers, there’s not much urgency with email anyway.  The back-and-forth establishes a communication style and mutual understanding of each others’ space.  I still have the option to decline a session (sometimes they’ll still ask for something I won’t do) but it’s comfortable and I can respond at an appropriate time (when I’m not working or sleeping).

The most important part, though, if the confirmation call before we meet.  It gives me assurance that we’re still on, I get to hear his voice (since most communication is by email by now), and he needs directions to the space anyway.  If we get through all of that, we’re all good to go and a good time is had by all.

With luck, more than once.

Oct
25

I got an email recently from someone who found me in Ask the Man Who Owns Him, asking about pain, piss, and more, seeking insight into himself and whatever his role is.  The answers to such questions are very complex, and will depend on just about everything.  My own experience will be different from anyone else’s, but I’ll take a stab at answering them anyway in this forum (with his permission).

“I love when the pain gets really great, to force myself to relax my body to the pain: and let it flow though out.  Yet when one guy tried to spank me, I lost all interest in sex or even in him.  Why, I do not know.  [...]  I never understood how it felt so good for the ‘TOP’.  I could only know what I felt.”

While it’s true that the Top is not experiencing any kind of physical sensation like you are, he has two things going for him. You are reacting in some way to what he did to you: your breathing has changed, your body has tensed (or relaxed), your skin is stretched/compressed/marked/etc.  Hopefully, your response is one of pleasure, and different people will not only want different things, they’ll respond in different ways.  A good Top will be able to tell when he’s done something right, when he’s done something wrong, and when he’s done something exceptional.

It’s when he’s done something exceptional that the Top will get some kind of appreciation for a job well done — whether that’s a moan of pleasure, a sigh of relief, or a sizeable cumshot, it’s an emotional payoff.  Granted, the Top may also enjoy just the knowledge that you’re in pain, that you can’t move or defend yourself, that he’s in complete control.  The key to the scene is that you enjoy what he’s doing to you.  If you don’t, he’s only in the scene for himself, and that’s not a good place to be.

So what happened in that spanking scene, when you “lost all interest in sex or even him”?  That’s hard to say, but I’d wager it has something to do with the chemistry between you.  You may have sensed that he wasn’t interested in you — he was going through the motions without really connecting with you, so you didn’t connect back.  There’s nothing wrong with that — it just didn’t work out as well as you might have liked.  That happens all the time, and you aren’t necessarily going to know ahead of time that’s how it’s going to be.

Oct
18

Back in the days when I was a Master-in-training (this would be in the mid-late 90s), I often heard people say that one could not be a good top unless he had experience as a bottom.  This was in the context of fisting, and I found this hard to believe.  I had attempted receiving only a handful of times but I was a regular participant at The Sling (local fisting party) where guys would wait for me to arrive so they could be opened up safely and enjoy the rest of the evening.  And when I tried to tell these people how little experience I had, they were surprised that I could have any skill at all.

As a Master, it is not necessary that I experience everything I might do to someone else.  What I would get from it is completely different from what anyone else gets.  I need enough personal experience to know what it feels like — lightly or temporarily — but the most important thing is how my subject feels, and the best way to know that is to read him like a book.

How he breathes, how he moves, how tense or relaxed he is… everything he does tells me if he’s getting what he wants.  If he is, I’m doing it right.  If not, I adjust until he is.

Most people have heard of “The Golden Rule”: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  My (day job) boss recently told me about “The Platinum Rule”: “Do unto others as they want done unto them.”

That is what Mastery is all about.

Oct
09

“You’re the first white man to ever fuck me.”  -D

I’m accustomed to providing first-time experiences: first time getting tied up, first time taking something large and insertable…  It’s only natural, I suppose, that I eventually participate in someone’s first interracial scene.

Race, age, size… most physical characteristics have never meant much to me.  What has always mattered most is how someone reacts to what I do.  Some of the hottest experiences I’ve ever had have been with people that I would not have picked up in a bar setting.  All too often, we get caught up in what someone looks like without paying attention to what they feel like, and how they make you feel.

I still have to deal with their physicality, of course.  Older men may not be able to remain in a standing position as long as younger men.  Larger men sometimes have less overall energy.  I’ve never noticed much of a difference among races, except perhaps certain mannerisms (which I attribute to individual personality) and those are rarely important while a scene is in progress.

So to have someone tell me, “You’re the first white man to ever fuck me,” while I’m in the midst of doing exactly that…  it threw me for a moment.  What is the proper response to that?  It would feel patronizing if I returned a “you’re the first” compliment, and I would feel worse if whatever I came up with wasn’t remotely true in the first place.  It would be too distracting to pursue the topic further.  The best I could do is make a good first impression on behalf of all white men everywhere.

You’re welcome.

Oct
03

The Old Site, as I’ve come to call it, was in operation for about three years, from 2004 to 2007. If I had to say what I’m proudest of, as far as the site was concerned, it was that I did almost the whole thing by myself. Sure, I had to find third-party services for webhosting and payment processing, and sparky helped by sorting through all the pics and editing video for posting, but the technical end of keeping it up and running was all up to me.

My years of experience in the tech industry gave me most of the skills I needed to build a website, and while what I produced then would probably get me laughed out of any interview as a software engineer, it worked. It was designed for low traffic and a moderate level of security*. I had only one bug in the security layer (that I knew about), and that was in the first week of operation. After that, the site pretty much maintained itself. Weekly updates consisted of uploading the new pictures/videos and updating the main database with descriptions of each scene, and the code did the rest. Simple.

The hard part was everything else. Finding service providers to make all this happen was not a trivial task. Most “acceptable use” policies explicitly prohibited the sort of thing I was looking for, and I wasn’t about to open myself up to a service outage over my content. The payment processor I chose had a very liberal policy — their only limits were underage models and live cam/chat. I certainly wasn’t after children, and it was an easy decision to take down the live cam — it was truly interesting only for an (unscheduled) hour or so a day, and thanks to my time zone, most of my audience wasn’t awake when I was active.

At first, all of the content was of me and sparky. There was plenty of variety among the various things we did, but having the same two people in every shot (many of them just of him) was not very interesting in the long run. A friend of ours was willing to participate for a few sessions, and we quickly opened up to more models. That was fun, but it opened up more challenges.

I had to do the record-keeping for everyone who appeared on the site: model releases and photo IDs, plus keeping duplicate records at a publicly-posted location. This was around the time that US Code 2257 regulations were coming down hard — many people in the porn industry were scrambling to pull their records together, even for content that had already been produced and distributed. Fortunately, all the noise made it easy to learn some general rules. We also got a legal team on retainer, just in case.

Coordinating the models was something else. I’m accustomed to people contacting me, not the other way around. I couldn’t use profile sites like Recon to solicit models because I had a commercial purpose. Somehow, they managed to find me — some were already subscribers to the site; others contacted me through my escort ads and we negotiated from there.

After a photo shoot with a model, there was additional pressure on us to process the pictures/videos more quickly than those of just ourselves. Often, we’d turn them around within a couple of weeks, but some took longer. Longer still for them to eventually wind up on the site, as I rotated content to keep it fresh.

When I finally got the call from the bank that they were closing my account, it was a bit of a relief — all the work dealing with models and processing content was overshadowing any pleasure we got from producing the content and what money we were making from it all. The reason the bank gave was that they disagreed with the content — it violated some kind of policies with MasterCard and/or Visa (despite that I could buy similar content from any number of sites using the same payment methods). They were still advertising the minimal limitations on their site, so I concluded I just wasn’t making enough money for them through transaction fees. I had only four chargebacks in three years of service, so it wasn’t like I was running a disreputable business. But they were getting less than $100 (including baseline fees) from me every month.

With various fees and taxes, my moderate subscription base, and other expenses, I’m not sure if I made any money in the venture or not. But that wasn’t my objective in building the site in the first place. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could build and maintain a business. In that regard, I succeeded.

* About security… I never had access to anyone’s credit card information. I’m thinking mainly about personal privacy (I didn’t use cookies, and I never shared my member list) and protecting my content from web crawlers.

Sep
29

Five years is a long time. If you’d ever been to MasterJeff.com in the last five years, you probably saw the same thing: a porn site that didn’t have a way to join.

I can’t believe how much time passed without really being noticed. Sure, I can see the difference in the mirror, but most of the big changes were deliberate: I have a mohawk and a nose ring. The rest is just background noise — another day, something changes, but not so much that you really need to do anything about it.

But time has passed.

I’ve experienced things and learned things that, if I didn’t share them with anyone, they wouldn’t mean much. Having lost friends in the past over choices I have made, I have to draw lines between things I can talk about freely and things I can’t. Certainly, I’d have some difficulty maintaining professional relationships with my coworkers if they knew I ran (and starred in) a porn site. The people I meet professionally in the evenings don’t need to know what I really do for a living, nor about other clients. Most of my friends who know “everything” generally aren’t interested in my stories, or more likely, the sexual nature of the events involved.

My in-person audience is small. The internet is a big place. And this is my new home.

Welcome.